pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
