That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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