I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
