she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize