rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize