Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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