i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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