My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
