Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
All I want is dick and wine.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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