you're like a bully in the Christmas story
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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