Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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