two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
