I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
