oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
