I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
