she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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