: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize