My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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