You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
