Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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