i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
