I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
