I think im going to throw up on grandma
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
