you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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