there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We had sex on a dog bed..
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
