she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
