Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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