youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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