Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
