Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
