When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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