Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
