Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
