my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
