How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize