Sacagawea was the original milf.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
