Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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