So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
