Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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