True but thats because hes a fetus.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Congratulations! We have a period
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