I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
