I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
