i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
