and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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