I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
