I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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