only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hippo gnu deer
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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