My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
