I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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