My hand turned me down
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
