Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
