Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
