i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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