sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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