new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
