I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
