Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize