Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
