i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
